March 97~ Reasons

Reasons, or at least part of the reasons became very clear today. "He's back with her." That was so unexpected. It was like a slap in the face, I lost my breath. It was so hard not to show them I cared, my sweet friend had such concern on his face when he told me. The whole room went silent. Tried to play it off, but I felt sick to my stomach and tears wanted to stream down my embarassed face. How could I have thought I could be anything to him? Leaving him a message, "Tell her I said hi." I'm such a bitch. Really I just wanted to let him know that I knew. It's not like I can blame him, not angry that he's with her. Angry at myself for letting myself start this in the first place. Angry at him for ignoring me though, wanting to say "Am I your friend? Well then act like it." But I know I won't. So here it is. The end. Maybe I don't want to hear it from him, then I can pretend I don't know, pretend it hasn't ended just like that. Is that not fucking pathetic? I take off my heart necklace, but he will always have the key. How stupid to have necklaces, how stupid to let him walk around with the key to my heart around his neck. But he will always have it. I can't seem to just leave the heart laying around, so I slip it into my pocket. Feeling naked in ways, exposed. Rejected again. Embarassed. Now wanting to let people know that I am pathetic.