March 97~ Lonely

I cried myself to sleep last night, tears splashing scattered on my pillow. Drip drop. An old familiar feeling of long ago, haven't done that in so long. Haven't really cried for some time. The last time I cried, I don't even have a memory of it, was just told about it, feeling embarassed, stupid, exposed. Second night in a row I blacked out, mixing pills with liquor, you would think I would learn the first night. Especially since the first night resulted in doing things, doing someone, I didn't even remember. Never cry in front of anyone, a rule I obviously broke. Sad at everything from the fantasy world I so much love and escape to every week, as I watch people I will never know or meet act out characters that somehow I love so much, To the harsh reality of my own life. Scared, alone, unsure of what is to come next, but fearfully waiting for its arrival. It's tip tapping at my door. Tip. Tap. Wanting to open it, but scared of the big bad wolf that lay waiting outside to pounce on my soul and take away everything that makes my heart smile, a wish to close my eyes forever, locking it all into place for eternity, plays upon my mind. "If I close my eyes forever, will it all remain the same?" wanting to sleep, sleep forever wrapped in the arms of my sweet prince. The oneI await on my balcony for, to come take me away, to fill my heart and soul with a priceless gift known as love. Waiting......waiting......waiting......will he ever come? Will I ever really even get the chance to meet him? For I find a prince, and realize all too soon that he is not MY prince. I wait, confused, lonely, desolate. Not wanting to give up, but not wanting to face the heartbreak that he may never rescue me from my own dreary world inside my mind. That I may forever be a prisoner, trapped behind a wall so thick it almost seems unbreakable. But I know when he gets here, he can break it, if he chooses. If I ever find him. Shall I wait forever? Or make my own path into forever without my prince? What is a princess without her prince? Just a lonely girl with nothing.