March 97~ Ignored

Ignored. Why? What have I done? Was it something I said? The stupid letter I wrote that I knew I shouldn't have? Am I just not good enough? I wait, and wait. But he avoids me. And I don't know why. Each day that passes is hell that seems to last for eternity. It's all I can think about, it consumes my mind like a raging fire. But I act like I don't care, like it doesn't bother me. Stupid mind games. Why did I let myself fall? I knew I shouldn't have. In the beginning when he was like a little boy with a crush, when I could tell he liked me with every single thing he said and did, when he tried everything and anything to be by me, to be near me. It made me feel so incredibly good. But I was scared, didn't want to start anything because my heart had not yet healed from pyscho-boys attack, and I was so scared of being hurt yet again. Yet with each passing day, he seemed to prove to me that he was such a good guy, would never hurt me. He was there, every single day, calling, inviting, wanting to spend as much time with me as possible. Killing me with that little boy grin, writing me poems, reeling me in. And when his dear freind told me what I already knew, that he did like me, my heart rejoiced, yet I was still scared. I lied and told his dear friend that I wasn't sure what to do because I was scared of hurting him. But in reality, I was afraid of falling too hard and being hurt. Because I knew if I let myself fall, I'd fall so incredibly hard for this charming guy with the little boy grin. He was so wonderful, sweet, funny. Why can't that time come back? From the moment we started this, the first night we spent together, he was like a turtle pulling into his shell. That sweet guy who said all the sweetest things and always tried to be by my side...... was just gone. Sometimes it still shone through, just a glimpse, enough to give me hope, keep me hanging on, but for the most part it was if he was a whole new person. What did I do wrong? Why did he change? Why did he start hiding and stop letting me see how he felt? He changed so much. So much I shouldn't have done it. I should have known better. For now I sit and wait for him to call......and I don't know if he ever will. I don't want to believe that he could be so cruel, that he would be that guy that did that all, all those hours and days spent together, all that attention and affection, for just one thing and then he's gone. He can't be that type. Maybe other reasons keep him away. And I ache, and I hurt. My heart wasn't ready for this. I don't want him to know he hurt me. I told him if he ever just wanted to be just friends again, that was ok, knowing really it would hurt me, but I wanted to be strong, or fool him into thinking I was. Maybe he knows better, thats why he can't tell me. Why did I do it? I'm so stupid to have thought that he could have really wanted me.