March 97~ Broken Rules

I broke my rule again. Never cry in front of others. I was doing so well. I was being so strong. I put on my bitch mask, the one I rarely use. The bitch who doesn't care. I let her surface and let my hurt soul hide deep within. Wanting to make it easier for him, not let him know, so he doesn't feel guilty. But part of me wants to let him know, so he can know it did mean something to me. I was being strong, shooting hot damn with the gang, playing with the blow dart gun, hitting his picture right between the eyes. Cheers from my friends. Feeling like such a bitch for doing it, but trying to prove I didn't really care about him. Devising a plan to get him over there. To force him into facing me. So I can look into his eyes. That's all I wanted was to look ingo his eyes. I wasn't going to make it hard. "You don't owe me anything." I practiced what I would say. Hoping it made me look strong, and let him off the hook as easy as possible. An hour passed, he didn't come. "Take another shot, forget about him, it's easy." said one who obviously knows little to nothing about emotions. Fuck em' and leave em', his total way of life. But still taking shot after shot. Buzzy as hell. Acting like I don't care. 2 hours are gone. My loving "fiancee" comes over to me and puts his arm around me and I bury my head. I wasn't going to do this, but the tears flow, I can't stop them. My mask, the make-up I hide behind, the make-up that make me feel strong, hidden, protected, is washed away. Leaving me looking weak. I couldn't stop and the liquor didn't help. Hid my face while I made my way to the bedroom. He followed me, held me as I sobbed, stroked my hair, "Why is he doing this to you? I'm going to talk to him. Find out why he's doing this. You deserve more. I'd never treat you this way. Nobody should." My sweet "fiancee". Hating myself for the things I do. Can't believe I would stoop so low, making plans, having people lie to him to force him to do something he obviously doesn't want to do. I hate myself, hate who I have become so quickly and easily. Hating that I was crying, showing people how hurt I was, which only made me cry harder for my pathetic soul. After I felt I couldn't get any lower than what I was doing, she appears appears in the doorway, crying as well. We hold eachother and cry "Dumped on the same night, what lukc?" she says, but I was dumped a long time before she was. "Come on, we're going over there." she pulls me. "I can't". "You will." wishe of good luck and sympathetic looks as we walk out the door make me feel more like shit. We get there. I can't look at him. Curl up in a ball, drunk, head hurts from crying. Knowing I look horrible. Wanting to hide my face. Please don't look at me, a drastic cry from just wanting to look him in the eyes. Saved for a while, left alone. "Go talk to him". Laying down, not saying a word. All the things I wanted to say are gone, washed away by tears. I didn't have my mask to protect me anymore. Feeling so uncomfortable, exposed. Hoping he thought I looked like sht from being drunk, not from crying. "Don't let them know they hurt you" words I once tried to live by, doing a good job until now. Why was I doing things so differently in this whole thing? This whole thing, I've never been more honest with anyone, never let them in like I have now. Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Finally he speaks. I want to tell him to be quiet. I don't want to hear what he's saying, I don't want to face it. But yet again earlier I tried to force him to face me. I had my mask on earlier, I could have pulled it off. He would have never known. But is that really true either? "I still love you to death." "You better". What else was I supposed to say? Could I scream "Why can't you love me then?!" No, I couldn't. I didn't want it to end. This was the first real conversation we've actually had about how we felt. Thats probably what really killed it. I didn't want it to end, yet I didn't want to hear it either. But it did end, and he walked away. I wanted to call out to him, tell him to come back, to hold me. Knew I couldn't, nor wouldn't. Laid there thinking for a while. Not wanting to socialize, feeling like everyone would see right through me and feel sorry for me. I couldn't handle that. Finally I go out there, try to pretend everythings ok. Tried to play guitar, fucking up. It's time to ho, give me a hug, don't let go. "Pretty puppy" he says as he pets me. Not wanting to admit that I didn't want to let go, so instead I say "Fuck you, I'm not a puppy." acting like....I don't even know. "This is the end, my only friend, the end." Maybe some other time, some other place....maybe not. But for now, just friends again. We go back to my loving fiancee's house, he wants to know what was said, so I tell him. "He's my friend and all, but I don't like seeing you hurt" sweet thoughts, comfort me only a little. The beautiful blue-eyed vampire gives me a hug, "You went and seen him didn't you? I'm sorry, I know what it feels like." he just holds me, feels good to have his arms around me. I just want to be held. "Call me sometime" with a wink and another hug, which of course makes me smile, lord knows this boy makes my heart skip a beat, even when it is broken. We leave. Home again. Not quite as drunk, but still buzzy. I think back over everything. Turning it over and over in my mind. "You don't owe me anything" I thought I meant it. So why did I feel so good when he said he really owed me a lot? He kept the key, said it would stay on always. Even said him and her fought about it, she wanted him to take it off, he said no. Why do I hate her? I don't even know her. But I remember not so very long ago, before this started, when we were just friends. Her paging him, and him being so very upset, me holding him, knowing she was hurting him...hating her then. He was still so sweet to me then, so different. I have this stupid little candy heart he gave me on valentines day "One I love" I saved it because it meant to much. How pathetic.