Feb 97~ Black Clouds

Black clouds float across a royal blue kansas sky, as the orange moon glows brightly for all to see. The somber night air brings things to mind that usually stay hidden deep within. Things better left alone. Things which seem almost dangerous to think about. Thoughts swirl around in your mind, leaving you more confused than before. Tears threaten to spill from your eyes, eyes that hide all of your pain, eyes that hide the real you. Although you are not quite sure why the tears are there. You sit with two people closest to you, yet no one speaks. Riding along, feeling out of place, uncomfortable. There's nothing left to say, and it makes you sad to know this. People change, but it's easier when it's them that have changed. But this time it's not. You can't blame this silence between souls on the others, like you have in situations before. This time it's you. You are no longer the same, but yet this is also untrue. You are the same, yet now you reveal more. Tired of hiding, tired of pretending. The night wears on as everyone strives to enjoy themselves. Feeling 14 once again, skating around and around in circle on a polished wooden floor. The disco ball and colored lights dancing above your head, as music fills the air. Turning around to see your friends behind you, and in a split second you see a ghost, as your heart drops to the floor. You had only looked back for a split seconds, and you know if you looked back again it would no longer be there, and maybe you don't look anyway because your afraid it just might be. You know its the lights playing tricks on your eyes, a stranger who looks like a ghost, but that doesn't make the pain go away. A ghost you have dreamed of seeing, and now you have, and it killed a part of your soul, a part you tried to protect. A ghost held deep within your heat, a ghost of a person you have loved the most. A memory you can't shake from your head. Tears again surface, but you fight them and win. Never cry in front of others if it can be helped, don't let them into that part of your soft sensitive side. Don't trust anyone not to hurt you if you let them in. Maybe not even yourself. The night goes on but nothing is the same. You wonder how you can love yet hate a person so much as you watch their fake actions that you can see right through, watch the very things you hate so much in your own gender. The things you strive to never do, never want to be a part of, although you were born the same sex. Why are people so stupid? Maybe it's just you.