Feb 97~ Dreaming

I dream of a person whom I fear has never dreamed of me. Or if he has, may never dream of me again. I don't understand the ways of these games. I simply wish to be honest and happy. Yet I know this isn't how I've always been. I seem to mess things up without any intention. I lost the person that I cared for the most because I couldn't open up and admit my feelings. I couldn't let him in, was scared to face my feelings, and I lost my opportunity. Now, just like him, it's dead and gone. And I regret that more than anyone could know. So I try to promise myself never again. I will be open and honest about how I feel, so I don't lose anyone else without them knowing how I feel about them. But now I think I am losing this one anyway. Probably because I am so open and honest. Maybe it's scaring him away. Isn't it ironic? I can't win for losing. But in all actuality this is not true also, for he has never been mine to lose. Maybe I just dream too much. Maybe I should just let him go. But every part of me just wants to hold on and make it work. Yet i know I can't if he doesn't want to. I wonder why my luck goes so sour in this department. Perhaps I just don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I should act fake and not be honest, play hard to get. It works for her, everyone always wants her. Of course she also has a body and personality that I just don't have. But I don't want to play mind games. I've had enough of that with psycho-boy to last me a lifetime. Never again. One day I suppose I will meet someone who understands me, who accepts me. I just wished that it was him, for he seems the closest to me in the way that he thinks. The way that he hides, becomes everything for others. Never really revealing who he is behind his mask. I wanted to get in and learn all that I could. Perhaps let him into my world also. Yet I'm not sure if I could let him in even if I wanted to. My wall has been built to last, years of endurance and strengthening has left me a prisoner behind it, unable to release my soul. Sometimes I start to tear it down, only to be hurt again and up it goes again. Maybe I should just accept the solitary doom I handed to myself, accept it as my fate and destiny. Yet I dream of a time when I will find someone special enough, to trust them with my soul. A soul so dear that they will forever be endeared to my heart, even if we should go separate ways, they would forever be a sort of soulmate. Maybe my hopeless romantic hear just like the idea of it being him. For it seems no one can compare to him. He is the first to even be in the same class as my lost love, which amazes me. For their class; sincere, sweet, interested in more than just fulfilling their own needs, their class seems almost to not exist any longer amonst the lies, the shallowness of fake promises. Which makes it so hard to find someone do dear. This is why I don't want to let him go. Why must I fall foe someone in my heart I think is perfect for me, but in their heart they don't agree? I don't want to play head games and just settle for the rest of them around. I want the one who had a sweet, loving soul, perhaps as tortured as much as mine. Tortured only because I torture myself, and maybe he does the same. But sadness is impending because I may never know if we are kindred spirits due to his not being able to open up. And in that very sense, I know he feels the same as I in ways. Unable to open my soul for people to pick it apart, unable to wear my heart on my sleeve for someone will smash it. Yet I am wearing my heart on my sleeve with this now. But I trust him completely to be honest with my feelings about him. Fear perhaps made it easier, fears of losing him also. But then this could be my melodramatic soul, making this all seem much bigger than it really is. For I seem to be very good at that.