Feb 97 ~ Guilty

Guilty feelings of things done wrong. Feeling ashamed, pain in my heart, aching in my chest. Re-living past mistakes, old demons popping up left and right, allowing myself to do the things I've once fantasized about, but would ruin my dreams here in reality. Knowing I always screw up the best things in my life. Ghosts coming back to remind me of my most tragic regret. Praying, hoping, wishing, wanting. Scared, fearful, confused. Happy yet sad. Torn between guilt and ecstacy, not really sure why either feeling has come to visit. Feeling good yet feeling horrible. I don't want to ruin this, won't give in. I can't face myself if I do. Hating my insecurities and lack of self-esteem that make me do the things I do. Unsure of what will happen next, anticipating the outcome with fear in my soul. Praying that the truth will never be known. I am my own worst enemy, I cause the most trouble in my life.