March 97~ Broken Rules

I broke my rule again. Never cry in front of others. I was doing so well. I was being so strong. I put on my bitch mask, the one I rarely use. The bitch who doesn't care. I let her surface and let my hurt soul hide deep within. Wanting to make it easier for him, not let him know, so he doesn't feel guilty. But part of me wants to let him know, so he can know it did mean something to me. I was being strong, shooting hot damn with the gang, playing with the blow dart gun, hitting his picture right between the eyes. Cheers from my friends. Feeling like such a bitch for doing it, but trying to prove I didn't really care about him. Devising a plan to get him over there. To force him into facing me. So I can look into his eyes. That's all I wanted was to look ingo his eyes. I wasn't going to make it hard. "You don't owe me anything." I practiced what I would say. Hoping it made me look strong, and let him off the hook as easy as possible. An hour passed, he didn't come. "Take another shot, forget about him, it's easy." said one who obviously knows little to nothing about emotions. Fuck em' and leave em', his total way of life. But still taking shot after shot. Buzzy as hell. Acting like I don't care. 2 hours are gone. My loving "fiancee" comes over to me and puts his arm around me and I bury my head. I wasn't going to do this, but the tears flow, I can't stop them. My mask, the make-up I hide behind, the make-up that make me feel strong, hidden, protected, is washed away. Leaving me looking weak. I couldn't stop and the liquor didn't help. Hid my face while I made my way to the bedroom. He followed me, held me as I sobbed, stroked my hair, "Why is he doing this to you? I'm going to talk to him. Find out why he's doing this. You deserve more. I'd never treat you this way. Nobody should." My sweet "fiancee". Hating myself for the things I do. Can't believe I would stoop so low, making plans, having people lie to him to force him to do something he obviously doesn't want to do. I hate myself, hate who I have become so quickly and easily. Hating that I was crying, showing people how hurt I was, which only made me cry harder for my pathetic soul. After I felt I couldn't get any lower than what I was doing, she appears appears in the doorway, crying as well. We hold eachother and cry "Dumped on the same night, what lukc?" she says, but I was dumped a long time before she was. "Come on, we're going over there." she pulls me. "I can't". "You will." wishe of good luck and sympathetic looks as we walk out the door make me feel more like shit. We get there. I can't look at him. Curl up in a ball, drunk, head hurts from crying. Knowing I look horrible. Wanting to hide my face. Please don't look at me, a drastic cry from just wanting to look him in the eyes. Saved for a while, left alone. "Go talk to him". Laying down, not saying a word. All the things I wanted to say are gone, washed away by tears. I didn't have my mask to protect me anymore. Feeling so uncomfortable, exposed. Hoping he thought I looked like sht from being drunk, not from crying. "Don't let them know they hurt you" words I once tried to live by, doing a good job until now. Why was I doing things so differently in this whole thing? This whole thing, I've never been more honest with anyone, never let them in like I have now. Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Finally he speaks. I want to tell him to be quiet. I don't want to hear what he's saying, I don't want to face it. But yet again earlier I tried to force him to face me. I had my mask on earlier, I could have pulled it off. He would have never known. But is that really true either? "I still love you to death." "You better". What else was I supposed to say? Could I scream "Why can't you love me then?!" No, I couldn't. I didn't want it to end. This was the first real conversation we've actually had about how we felt. Thats probably what really killed it. I didn't want it to end, yet I didn't want to hear it either. But it did end, and he walked away. I wanted to call out to him, tell him to come back, to hold me. Knew I couldn't, nor wouldn't. Laid there thinking for a while. Not wanting to socialize, feeling like everyone would see right through me and feel sorry for me. I couldn't handle that. Finally I go out there, try to pretend everythings ok. Tried to play guitar, fucking up. It's time to ho, give me a hug, don't let go. "Pretty puppy" he says as he pets me. Not wanting to admit that I didn't want to let go, so instead I say "Fuck you, I'm not a puppy." acting like....I don't even know. "This is the end, my only friend, the end." Maybe some other time, some other place....maybe not. But for now, just friends again. We go back to my loving fiancee's house, he wants to know what was said, so I tell him. "He's my friend and all, but I don't like seeing you hurt" sweet thoughts, comfort me only a little. The beautiful blue-eyed vampire gives me a hug, "You went and seen him didn't you? I'm sorry, I know what it feels like." he just holds me, feels good to have his arms around me. I just want to be held. "Call me sometime" with a wink and another hug, which of course makes me smile, lord knows this boy makes my heart skip a beat, even when it is broken. We leave. Home again. Not quite as drunk, but still buzzy. I think back over everything. Turning it over and over in my mind. "You don't owe me anything" I thought I meant it. So why did I feel so good when he said he really owed me a lot? He kept the key, said it would stay on always. Even said him and her fought about it, she wanted him to take it off, he said no. Why do I hate her? I don't even know her. But I remember not so very long ago, before this started, when we were just friends. Her paging him, and him being so very upset, me holding him, knowing she was hurting him...hating her then. He was still so sweet to me then, so different. I have this stupid little candy heart he gave me on valentines day "One I love" I saved it because it meant to much. How pathetic.

March 97~ Reasons

Reasons, or at least part of the reasons became very clear today. "He's back with her." That was so unexpected. It was like a slap in the face, I lost my breath. It was so hard not to show them I cared, my sweet friend had such concern on his face when he told me. The whole room went silent. Tried to play it off, but I felt sick to my stomach and tears wanted to stream down my embarassed face. How could I have thought I could be anything to him? Leaving him a message, "Tell her I said hi." I'm such a bitch. Really I just wanted to let him know that I knew. It's not like I can blame him, not angry that he's with her. Angry at myself for letting myself start this in the first place. Angry at him for ignoring me though, wanting to say "Am I your friend? Well then act like it." But I know I won't. So here it is. The end. Maybe I don't want to hear it from him, then I can pretend I don't know, pretend it hasn't ended just like that. Is that not fucking pathetic? I take off my heart necklace, but he will always have the key. How stupid to have necklaces, how stupid to let him walk around with the key to my heart around his neck. But he will always have it. I can't seem to just leave the heart laying around, so I slip it into my pocket. Feeling naked in ways, exposed. Rejected again. Embarassed. Now wanting to let people know that I am pathetic.

March 97~ Ignored

Ignored. Why? What have I done? Was it something I said? The stupid letter I wrote that I knew I shouldn't have? Am I just not good enough? I wait, and wait. But he avoids me. And I don't know why. Each day that passes is hell that seems to last for eternity. It's all I can think about, it consumes my mind like a raging fire. But I act like I don't care, like it doesn't bother me. Stupid mind games. Why did I let myself fall? I knew I shouldn't have. In the beginning when he was like a little boy with a crush, when I could tell he liked me with every single thing he said and did, when he tried everything and anything to be by me, to be near me. It made me feel so incredibly good. But I was scared, didn't want to start anything because my heart had not yet healed from pyscho-boys attack, and I was so scared of being hurt yet again. Yet with each passing day, he seemed to prove to me that he was such a good guy, would never hurt me. He was there, every single day, calling, inviting, wanting to spend as much time with me as possible. Killing me with that little boy grin, writing me poems, reeling me in. And when his dear freind told me what I already knew, that he did like me, my heart rejoiced, yet I was still scared. I lied and told his dear friend that I wasn't sure what to do because I was scared of hurting him. But in reality, I was afraid of falling too hard and being hurt. Because I knew if I let myself fall, I'd fall so incredibly hard for this charming guy with the little boy grin. He was so wonderful, sweet, funny. Why can't that time come back? From the moment we started this, the first night we spent together, he was like a turtle pulling into his shell. That sweet guy who said all the sweetest things and always tried to be by my side...... was just gone. Sometimes it still shone through, just a glimpse, enough to give me hope, keep me hanging on, but for the most part it was if he was a whole new person. What did I do wrong? Why did he change? Why did he start hiding and stop letting me see how he felt? He changed so much. So much I shouldn't have done it. I should have known better. For now I sit and wait for him to call......and I don't know if he ever will. I don't want to believe that he could be so cruel, that he would be that guy that did that all, all those hours and days spent together, all that attention and affection, for just one thing and then he's gone. He can't be that type. Maybe other reasons keep him away. And I ache, and I hurt. My heart wasn't ready for this. I don't want him to know he hurt me. I told him if he ever just wanted to be just friends again, that was ok, knowing really it would hurt me, but I wanted to be strong, or fool him into thinking I was. Maybe he knows better, thats why he can't tell me. Why did I do it? I'm so stupid to have thought that he could have really wanted me.

March 97 ~ Shine

The sun is high, hot and bright. The breeze ever so light. The wind is dancing with my hair as I speed down the highway. The radio plays some of my favorite songs as I scream along with them, aware of the staring of passerbys, but not giving a damn. This is a most beautiful day and happiness fills my soul. Things are going to go my way. It can't rain all the time. The sun dispels my fears, my doubts, and gives me a sense of security ad contentment which brings me much joy. I have not given up on my sadness, but today I will not be sad. Happiness rules my heart today. It is much too wonderful of a spring day to be unhappy.

March 97~ Show me the way

Show me the way to the next whiskey bar, let me drink until I lose myself. Let me forget who I am. Let me no longer be me. Let me be able to say the words, let me say that things I can't seem to force myself to say. They get lost somewhere in my throat, and never find their way out. And I lose what I cherish most because of it, and then I sit in self-pity, kicking myself, never being able to forgive myself for my lack of courage. Take me away, I don't want to stay here. Trapped in a place where I can't seem to move forward, and where I know I can never go back. So what do I do? I have no escape. Stuck in a light of rejection and fear for all the world to see. Vulnerable, dejected..... my soul is exposed for people to point and laugh, and I have no where to hide. No way to cover my shattered, exposed soul. Tired, exhausted, not wanting to live, not wanting to die. Waiting for my luck to change, wishing for a time where I will no longer hate who I am, and hate the life I lead.

March 97~ Lonely

I cried myself to sleep last night, tears splashing scattered on my pillow. Drip drop. An old familiar feeling of long ago, haven't done that in so long. Haven't really cried for some time. The last time I cried, I don't even have a memory of it, was just told about it, feeling embarassed, stupid, exposed. Second night in a row I blacked out, mixing pills with liquor, you would think I would learn the first night. Especially since the first night resulted in doing things, doing someone, I didn't even remember. Never cry in front of anyone, a rule I obviously broke. Sad at everything from the fantasy world I so much love and escape to every week, as I watch people I will never know or meet act out characters that somehow I love so much, To the harsh reality of my own life. Scared, alone, unsure of what is to come next, but fearfully waiting for its arrival. It's tip tapping at my door. Tip. Tap. Wanting to open it, but scared of the big bad wolf that lay waiting outside to pounce on my soul and take away everything that makes my heart smile, a wish to close my eyes forever, locking it all into place for eternity, plays upon my mind. "If I close my eyes forever, will it all remain the same?" wanting to sleep, sleep forever wrapped in the arms of my sweet prince. The oneI await on my balcony for, to come take me away, to fill my heart and soul with a priceless gift known as love. Waiting......waiting......waiting......will he ever come? Will I ever really even get the chance to meet him? For I find a prince, and realize all too soon that he is not MY prince. I wait, confused, lonely, desolate. Not wanting to give up, but not wanting to face the heartbreak that he may never rescue me from my own dreary world inside my mind. That I may forever be a prisoner, trapped behind a wall so thick it almost seems unbreakable. But I know when he gets here, he can break it, if he chooses. If I ever find him. Shall I wait forever? Or make my own path into forever without my prince? What is a princess without her prince? Just a lonely girl with nothing.

Feb 97~ Dreaming

I dream of a person whom I fear has never dreamed of me. Or if he has, may never dream of me again. I don't understand the ways of these games. I simply wish to be honest and happy. Yet I know this isn't how I've always been. I seem to mess things up without any intention. I lost the person that I cared for the most because I couldn't open up and admit my feelings. I couldn't let him in, was scared to face my feelings, and I lost my opportunity. Now, just like him, it's dead and gone. And I regret that more than anyone could know. So I try to promise myself never again. I will be open and honest about how I feel, so I don't lose anyone else without them knowing how I feel about them. But now I think I am losing this one anyway. Probably because I am so open and honest. Maybe it's scaring him away. Isn't it ironic? I can't win for losing. But in all actuality this is not true also, for he has never been mine to lose. Maybe I just dream too much. Maybe I should just let him go. But every part of me just wants to hold on and make it work. Yet i know I can't if he doesn't want to. I wonder why my luck goes so sour in this department. Perhaps I just don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I should act fake and not be honest, play hard to get. It works for her, everyone always wants her. Of course she also has a body and personality that I just don't have. But I don't want to play mind games. I've had enough of that with psycho-boy to last me a lifetime. Never again. One day I suppose I will meet someone who understands me, who accepts me. I just wished that it was him, for he seems the closest to me in the way that he thinks. The way that he hides, becomes everything for others. Never really revealing who he is behind his mask. I wanted to get in and learn all that I could. Perhaps let him into my world also. Yet I'm not sure if I could let him in even if I wanted to. My wall has been built to last, years of endurance and strengthening has left me a prisoner behind it, unable to release my soul. Sometimes I start to tear it down, only to be hurt again and up it goes again. Maybe I should just accept the solitary doom I handed to myself, accept it as my fate and destiny. Yet I dream of a time when I will find someone special enough, to trust them with my soul. A soul so dear that they will forever be endeared to my heart, even if we should go separate ways, they would forever be a sort of soulmate. Maybe my hopeless romantic hear just like the idea of it being him. For it seems no one can compare to him. He is the first to even be in the same class as my lost love, which amazes me. For their class; sincere, sweet, interested in more than just fulfilling their own needs, their class seems almost to not exist any longer amonst the lies, the shallowness of fake promises. Which makes it so hard to find someone do dear. This is why I don't want to let him go. Why must I fall foe someone in my heart I think is perfect for me, but in their heart they don't agree? I don't want to play head games and just settle for the rest of them around. I want the one who had a sweet, loving soul, perhaps as tortured as much as mine. Tortured only because I torture myself, and maybe he does the same. But sadness is impending because I may never know if we are kindred spirits due to his not being able to open up. And in that very sense, I know he feels the same as I in ways. Unable to open my soul for people to pick it apart, unable to wear my heart on my sleeve for someone will smash it. Yet I am wearing my heart on my sleeve with this now. But I trust him completely to be honest with my feelings about him. Fear perhaps made it easier, fears of losing him also. But then this could be my melodramatic soul, making this all seem much bigger than it really is. For I seem to be very good at that.